i'm fucking stressed; and i haven't felt so lousy in so long

internship, research, capabilities, abilities, resume, cover letter, print, hype, tv, acting, script, journal, driving, family, quarrels, scoldings, insecurities, friends, pressure, demands, expectations, presidency, advisorship, MASINA, time traveler's wife, loneliness, sensitivity, leaders, members, bv, colin, michelle, praise and worship, responsibility, love, commitment, canteen BOOM!

i can't do this. i really can't do.

hello breakdown, goodbye happiness. what do you do when you realise you're all alone with all the shit in the world on your doorstep? and EVERYBODY expects you to do SOMETHING. kill me, i mean it, let me not wake up tomorrow )):

help me, please, help me ): don't fuck me with anymore bullshit

TOO GOOD gahhhh something creeepy (okay lah, quite magical) just happened. i asked for good luck and someone sent me good luck on facebook! not that i know why/how, a note just popped out. BLARGH! (: but i still thinks its nice in a creepy way - good omen WAHA ((:

and did you know scv has a PLUG? hahhhah, i was wondering why i can't watch tv! till i realised i didn't on a switch.

oh i feel like sucha noob. whooops (: ain't gonna show no weakness
i'm gonna smile and tell the whole world i'm fine
i'm gonna keep my senses
but deep down where no one can hear me
baby i'll be crying for you

ohhh what a lazy bummy monday! but it feels kinda nice cause i was expecting a kill-me-now-just-kill-me monday ((:

OH YAY OH YAY (: it'll be dinner soon and then i'm gna repaint my toenails and sleep (: wheeeee. plus i'm clean and the fan feels super nice! (:

super trouper nice! (:

i caught x-men yesterday with the nehneh, its pretty gooood eh. although i was feeling all anxious throughout - time trickling before your very eyes; not funny. bleah (: but getting to chomp on mango snow ice was vehhh funny. i like (:

classes were sweet today. acting was heelarious :D seriouslyy. but mel ah. OMG. she had to write a 3-line pitch describing what she sees about me. and her pitch went something like this; josceline has a very good childhood watching tv and playing computer games because she is short-sighted. she has the same hairstyle because she thinks it suits her. she has a big head to store all her memories, thoughts and something something.

my memory rocks right, i can listen/talk and repeat really well too. BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. she say i got big head. CRIES. HAHAHH. i'm so glad colin doesn't read this. he'll WAHA me and says i told you so! BLEAGH.

and tv was as usual super draggy (i've not once not fallen asleep!!) but it got better; even exciting when we started doing exercises! i like i like (:

fashion show this weekend ah. and many many other things toooo. i just ask for some time. SOME TIME okayyy ):

actually i'm a very naughty kid i think. dangg, too bad (:

why do i love you?
don't even want to
why do i love you like i do?
like i always do
you should have told me
why did you have to be untrue... ?
(love you like i do)
why do i love you like i do?

wellss, i've a moral for today; when you receive the unexpected the feeling is sweeeet (:

i miss you bestfriend! miss you the one out there shooting your bullets out. exciting life right, army. DANG. i keep getting struck by the if-i-were-a-boy emotion today. (:

right, i just need a little belief in the magic.

jealousy be damn, you've given me enough trouble. well, i'll like it better if people who make me upset go die. but i'm better and bigger than that. talking about bigger. I SWEAR i'm getting fat. i eat desserts everyday la LIKE TMD (i learnt this from mel, it tickles me WAHAHAH)

WOKAY i know the stress will like hit me soon though, this is simply too good to be true. GAH.

and is everybody like using WOKAY now? POUTS ):

my little-st brother is real cute; he refused to bring toliet rolls to camp - thinks he won't shit (shhh hahah). and then he asked for a hug before he left. did i mention that he was overjoyed i bought him a syringe pencil but i see it lying forgotten on the table now. kids. (: i love my family, secretly (okay maybe not so secretly) but i do. ohh afterall i'm a baby. how can i not. HAHAHHAHH WAILS.

you see this? i love you. (:

can't go back
can't erase
baby your smiling face
oh no, i can't think of nothing else
but you (else but you) suddenly

i've got a secret; wish me luck for wednesday. okay please please ((:

OH TAKE ME AWAY ohhhhh how could i even forget about blogging especially after sucha horrific morning )):

I TELL YOU. i've never everrr everrr done something as stupid as this EVERRR! ): firstly, i went to slept feeling all eck-ed up for reasons i shall not mention. then i woke up feeling bothered about the same thing. OMG. and THEN! it was raining - how disgusting especially when i was planning to wear shoes that i hated getting wet (: and then! after dragging myself out of bed and bathing i found myself with another day of bad hair! )): )): soooo getting irritated with my hair = being somewhat late for school. plus i had oats to eat YUM (: anyways. thats not the point. i was late for school still okay fine. can rush. i decided to trust 52 with my precious life and BLARGH it tooook foreverrrr to come! finally i saw it and i was so happy - elated even because the bus was pretty damn empty. so i sat down and happily opened my laptop and started doing my work. oh gosh. how hardworking (: and on my ipod i was putting on repeat p&w songs okay. LIKE HELLO. you would have thought finally, the day's falling into place but nooooo )):

i realised i was on 162 lahh!!! )): imagine my horror when i looked up and saw far east flora! my first thought was wah 52 change route ah. i almost looked down to continue typing, heng panic kicked in ah! WAHLAOO. sian ji pua ): i even went up to the bus uncle to ask what bus i was on. I WAS SO FRIGGIN SAD! )): )):

so not only was i late, i wasted half a journey and then there was no cab ))))))): like hello. could my day get any worse. obviously at this point in time, p&w was still blasting in my ears @#(%!(&$%!()@ but talk about a good use of day1 concession (which i must talk about - CHEAPER NOW LEH 50 buckks niaaa)

AND it wasn't THAAAT bad lah because my groupmates were coool. and i thought phew, this is it. AND THEN I REALISED I SPRAINED MY ELBOW )): SOBBBBBBSSSS.

so in light of this really horrible and tragic morning, i fear pitching later ): don't scold me please don't scold me )):

and i'm starting to get a tummyache, does orange juice and luncheonmeat and cucumber, gel? eeks

WOKAY its back to workkk! (: my computer's lagging with all these files. print..internship..p&w..facebook. oh whoops. i mean.. zzzzz.

SAVE ME FROM THIS #)(%!#)%*)$%! PLACE ):

SOMEDAY SOMEHOW SOMEWHERE technology is failing all around me, yikes!

i love the smell of morning. (: i've hated every moment of waking up early these days but i can't deny how much i love early mornings (: if only they don't come with that wretched tiredness.

i'm falling at the feet of stress. i am weak and i am easily stressed out ): how terrible. and i'm a coward at that so i don't wna fight. I JUST WNA BE A SLOB ): but i can't, cause there's my future, my family's future to worry for. oh boy. but sometimes i see it, how i grow from my struggles. but still.

campbell made an interesting analogy ytd. about how you'll never know white is white until it is painted next to another colour. overused i know. but it always strikes me as HOW TRUEEEE. squeals. oh eck. bimbo (:

the whole day i'm stressing, missing, yearning. oh gwash. i'm disgusted. NEED..LIFE. dang.

if you ask me though, I REALLY AM. like hello, i'm gna need to magically play something on the keyboard later that resembles something really awesome. just stab me. oh holy spirit, i neeeed yoou.

i need some brains too. i'm so tired of feeling stupid. secretly, i fear sending out resumes because i think its not good enough. i'm not good enough. cries ):

but by some miracle, everything is gna be okay. i believe so. yes. yes. i do. eeks!

feels like a treacherous week. but alas, I CAN (: let this week be good, let this weekend be awesome.

i miss you bestfriend, kuek, RECESS FRIENDDSSS.

happy birthday little brother (:

SOARING having to write a brand new, even better than ideal story; fighting a seemingly loosing battle to get your name published - not funny.
/

words they fail me. it seems like sometimes i just go on and on and on and on. my words mix together, slurr together, slush together and suddenly they all don't make sense. TOO MANY ):

just sometimes, okay fine, make that all the friggin time; i wish i was smart if not rich. DANG. complaining and whining felt good. i guess i feel better now knowing that you really DO understand. love you love you m. (:

tonight felt/feels like a good night to blog. the wait; painful and anxious as it was, is over and definitely worth it, i guess. happy happy happy. i can never thank my friends who willing endure my endless whining enough. OMGG. (:

andd i guess retail therapy was much needed too and indeed it brightened up my world especially when finally finally! ((:

well okay, i guess i'm really exhausted afterall. there's a script waiting to be read and memorised. but maybee i'll just indulge in a game of jewel first HAHAHAH freak.

three days; a few hours, i might as well make it last. HORRR (:

i miss some, but i guess i'm surviving. barely but surviving.

EXEMPLARY where are those happy days,
they seem so hard to find,
i tried to reach for you,
but you have closed your mind,
whatever happened to our love?
i wish i understood,
it used to be so nice, it used to be so good,

in light of all the damn stress, i don't know i'm getting from where, mamma mia was a good watch. i would safely even say, its the happiest show i've ever watched. like omggg. hahahh.

why is it so hard just to have someone who cares and truly dearly wants to know about your day, everyday ):

so when you're near me,
darlin can't you hear me?
SOS
the love you gave me,
nothing else could save me,
SOS
when your gone,
how can i even try to go on,
when your gone, though i try,
how can i carry on?

i've been feeling honestly TIRED and like i can't go on, not that i don't want to but i just can't. my mood has been fluctuating between happy and sad and stress and insane in a matter of minutes. ): its scaryyy )): and i was telling mommy how no matter how hard i pray pray pray, i feel BLANK. ):

but i guess he was trying to tell me he deeply disapproves, he's here regardless - because after a whole night of stressing, at 12:26AM, all i can say is oddly i feel a sense of peace. even though i'm neck deep in work and all i want to do is sleep.

SIGHHHHHH.

i miss you so, ): i'm not used to this not talking to you or seeing you or having you make me happy ): but its alot better than the last two weeks. maybe because i'm slowly but surely adapting. (: or maybe its cause i'm really really tired all the friggiinnn time. but i confirm plus chop didn't appreciate the nightmare last night. its sort of playing games with my mind. and i slept only to feel unsettled and even more tired. damnit. bleagh.

life goes on, huh. I WANNA BE A HIPPIE TOO ):

tonight the super trouper lights are gonna find me
shining like the sun (sup-p-per troup-p-per)
smiling, having fun (sup-p-per troup-p-per)
feeling like a number one
tonight the super trouper beams are gonna blind me
but i won't feel blue (sup-p-per troup-p-per)
like i always do (sup-p-per troup-p-per)
cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

GIMME GIMME GIMME i just want you happy,

ahhmazing. you never know what the next minute of life will bring you, but boy its always a splendid learning surprise. and the last fifteen minutes spent reading about other people's lives have cheered me up alot. not that i'm gloating at their misery or feeling better because they're worst off in comparison to me, but its because i believe in a wave. when everybody around you is emo, its not just coincidence that you'll be emo too. its a sad week wave. when everybody around you is happy, its a wave that spells happy week. SERIOUSLYY (: sometimes, i wonder if its just my little brain trying to delude itself. but i believe its not. HAHAA shut up. (: but i'm glad it feels like a good week. its either a self-curse or i'm really good with predictions. (:

the swine flu talk is really starting to scare me. EEKS. be safe be safe, come back to me safe ):

i was reading through my past conversations earlier and that came with self-relfection and omggg. you used to love me alot, it was in plain sight for all to see, but i was blind to all that, HOW COULD I BE. and now greedy me ruined it all )): its probably still not too late. sometimes i can revisit a month's worth of messages only to realise you loved me so and i only made you miserable ): if i fall down one day, don't take pity on me because its my fault, REALLY neh bluff ):

its the something special that i'll hold on oh so tightly too.

sometimes i feel lonely, but i guess thats when i have to slap myself and see that its not true. hurr.

i can't be certain i was glad that i predicted a bad weekend. but i'm pretty certain you deserve a squeeze for doing your best by me. for me. HURR. i'm oh so damn hard to love, its ahhmazing you haven't given up. i truly regret not being able to happy for us all 4 days but i hope you were at least happy some. the things we've been talking about though, i think they're changing something. no more no longer, i'm gna try to be a better person. now how many times have i said that HAHAHAH

whilst you're out there in the wild, know that i'm fighting in my own jungle waiting for you to come back (:

with deep prayer and a great sense of belief, everything's gna be okay (:

i enjoyed being back at grandma's - i shall visit again soon. MUST KEEP BUSY.

must be happy, happy, happy (:

back to school, oh boy, back to school.

SPECIAL SOMETHING how does one learn to get back on their own two feet?

the days have been nothing but rough. abeet better because of school (ironically) but still rough. and the thought that i'm never going to make it has never left my mind.

scary huh? not only am i scaring myself, i think i'm scaring others too. but god to honest, i'm freaking terrified and its either i'm not praying properly. or the sense of dread and impending doom has decided to be my new bestfriends whether i like it or not.

its regretful having to always regret. HAHA. but its disgusting. why make mistakes when you know you're just gna regret them right? then i guess thats why people say you learn from your mistakes. but i just feel so tiredd. and i wished i could stop doing wrong, just once and keep it that way ):

do you ever doubt love? the word itself has a light side and a dark side. and the dark side is freakingg me out damnit. HAHAH

if only a thousand apologies work. but i guess i've learnt that they don't. after a certain point, they stop sounding sincere. painful as that sounds. but honestly, i feel so guilty. words are just words though. because deep down, there's still that little bit of bitterness in me ): i wished it wasn't so. i really do love you )):

the days ahead looks gloomy, but there's always light at the end of the tunnel right.

somebody help me find back myself? )): i want to be the light and not the stifling darkness. ):

help, ):

till then, i only pray so hard to not make you upset any longer, any more. AH, promises ):

who'd care if you're hurting?

it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
everything, everything will be just fine,
everything, everything will be alright, alright.

ACURSED

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


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