i don't know what to make of this,

this is silly, i wished i'll learn.

well, right, bravely, i can. if i want i can. i just have to stop thinking so much. GAH

don't play me for a fool. don't let me have to doubt concern and plain curiousity.

keep raining, keep raining.

LOVE ACTUALLY oh take away the pain
learn to walk away
well it's over now
gone far beyond the door
you will be no more
well it's over now
never come again, no
still swift becomes your leaving us

well we all need love
all need love

if i could find a way
to have you here today
yeah you know i would
cause you were brighter than the sun
you're missed by everyone
but we won't hold you down
if there was just good reason
you faded like a season

i guess it's your time now
though we're falling down again
yeah i feel we're falling down

when do you think the pain will end? when do you think my heart will stop aching? i thought i was healing, maybe i was just escaping huh. i don't know.. ):

photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
that is our life we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home

won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry

oh denial, if i cry you'll really come home? you'll have come home a long time ago then. everyday of the past week.

who's lying? i don't know. i don't feel like blogging, yet i do.

i had 3 toasts, 1 bowl of chicken soup and a hugeee bowl on spaghetti today, i feel eck ):

at least my shows are loading well and i'm procrastinating the only homework i have.

reminder to self: fill in bv diary. i have inspiration now, but my show calls, and i've to bathe in an hour. whoops!

how long do you think its gna take for everything to fall back into place? )):

i don't know how i'm feeling anymore, just numb and lots of empty space inside..

shopping tmr, hopefully!

we lie to ourselves because the truth freaking hurts

i can't keep thinking there's hope, i got used to goodbye.

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING please just don't play with me
my paper heart will bleed
this wait for destiny won't do
be with me please i beseech you
simple things that make you run away
catch you if i can
(my paper heart)

this is like all time low low low low low. ):

its been raining all day and even though its a pain in the wet shoes ass, it suits my mood just fine.

sometimes, i wonder, what does it really mean to say i'm okay.

it feels like i'm okay when i'm going about my day, it feels like i'm okay when i'm sitting in front of the computer escaping in the world of someone else, it feels like i'm okay when i'm talking to my mommy hoping that she'll feel my pain and make it all better, it feels like i'm okay when i'm staring off into space.

so what does all the heartwrenching crying mean? what does that numbing, stabbing feeling mean? what does that i wish feeling mean? what does all the crazy binge eating mean? what does lying awake in the middle of the night staring helplessly at my phone mean?

i asked my mommy if i could sleep in her room tonight, i don't think i can do another night of pathetic crying or pining or wishing or hoping or blaming or whatever it is people about to go crazy do.

long day tomorrow! with army half marathon of which i'm oddly looking forward to even though i'm not running and the football match at youth park and of course, mass - i used to think attending weekend mass alone was eckk, but really, when you don't think about it, it beats calling people up and pleading for company.

i'm in desperaaate need to shop. i bought a blouse today and that feeling of having something new pretty and exciting in your hands, oh yes, it distracts you nice enough for a while.

i miss alotttt, and i'm quite sure if i were to die now, i'll have a long list of regrets to submit to the big guy.

some people might think they're going through shit but right now, it feels like i'm going through the bomb of shit, the massive food poisoning diarrhea.

oh gah, in the month of spiritual freedom (7th month), would it be too much to ask for the power to read minds. oh wait, better not anyhow play, i just might have to sleep by myself tonight. eckkk.

my ipod sure knows how to stab you straight through your heart. GAH.

still, thanks bestfriend and thanks val. REALLY. i owe some people so much so much, i don't think i'll ever repay them well enough.

oh yes, lastly, session was good yesterday. entertaining at best. i'm slowly starting to lose all the security blankets i used to have and i doubt i'll stay long really, but last night even though halfway i felt the itch to run away, i was struck by what has kept me so long, and really, i've just got to say thank you for small miracles in your painful finding way.

its not all that bad, there's still much to learn actually.

WOKAY. life goes on, my show has loaded. (:

i'd never want to see you unhappy,
i thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
i'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be?
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
i should have known you'd bring me heartache,
almost lovers always do

i cannot go to the ocean
i cannot drive the streets at night
i cannot wake up in the morning
without you on my mind
so you're gone and i'm haunted
and i'll bet you are just fine,
did i make it that easy
to walk right in and out
of my life?
(almost lover)

FIRST TIME one day you'll eventually lose everything i suppose.

people change, lives move on, somehow, it feels like nobody's gna be left behind. nobody's gna stay. even bestfriends i suppose they'll slowly fade away eh.

well, happy holidays.

i've yet to go shopping.

the previous week feels like a distant memory yknow. like all the crazy 10 hours, 11 hours, 12 hours, 8 hours, 9 hours worth of studying didn't happen. maybe its the sign that i didn't push hard enough. but i know that's crazy. cause the exhaustion and the breakdowns were definitely proof. but hey, the heavy weight still isn't lifted unfortunately. and i don't know when i'll truly be free. everything's gna be okay right?

the big man likes to play funny tricks on you. i hate the bad guy's doubts. gotta stay firmly rooted in my faith now. god knows i'm easily put down and swayed. HAHAHAH

which reminds me of a book i read about people who are religious but don't have faith. feels like me they were talking about. really, maybe going to church daily isn't the answer to your prayers. but then again, it feels like the only hope. too precious to let go off now.

grey's has been strangely therapeutic. its quite a temptation to just stay at home all day, but i can't hide away from the world can i. i promised myself no more running away. i'll face it head on, then come home and cry if need be. i'm just gna pretend that i'm alot stronger and braver cause it might delude my mind into thinking i really am strong and brave.

alot of people's the same kind same kind. but to find same kinds and stick together, i don't know about that. you know, i think fairytales must be one of life's cruel jokes.

i don't see anywhere into near future, not even into tomorrow, but maybe hopefully i'll finally get to do a little bit of shopping.

ah well, my tv and my books and my eck, piano homework calls.

the day's gna be okay. maybe happy day is today.

waiting's one of the most dreadful things you've gotta do in your lifetime. when will it all end? oh yes, take me away. ):

lies, all pretty innocent looking lies. stab me. i doubt i'll feel any pain. GAH.

oh boy, i'm getting angsty. hahahahh.

BRAVEHEART it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
everything, everything will be just fine,
everything, everything will be alright, alright.
(the middle)

a life of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon,

we get tired and we get scared but denying it does not change the truth

denial is not a river in egypt, it is a freaking ocean,

so how do we keep from drowning in it?

its 20082008 today, so i'm gna have a positive attitude and the day shall go awesome! freedom in a few hours, i have so much so much to say. but really, i've gotta go cram for another 45 minutes! i'll be back, later tonight maybe! (:

thy will be done

live right now and
just be yourself.
it doesn't matter if it's good enough
for someone else.
(the middle)

GUNS BLAZING emily friehl: honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love.

i wanted to make it a one-liner post, but gah! blogger changed its layout! eckk. i've yet to explore it. but i'm too damn exhausted today and i want to do abit of reading before bed, so give me 3 more days yes! (: then i'll sum up my crazy hectic week with all its glorious details.

i thank god plenty plenty for you. ): thanks for holding me. )):

blast it, i'm drained. say it isn't so

oliver martin: well, if it wasn't love, it was a lot like it.

is there anyone that fails
is there anyone that falls
am i the only one in church today feelin' so small

cause when i take a look around
everybody seems so strong
i know they'll soon discover
that i don't belong

so i tuck it all away, like everything's okay
if i make them all believe it, maybe i'll believe it too
so with a painted grin, i play the part again
so everyone will see me the way that i see them

the performance is convincing
and we know every line by heart
only when no one is watching
can we really fall apart

but would it set me free
if i dared to let you see
the truth behind the person
that you imagine me to be

would your arms be open
or would you walk away
would the love of jesus
be enough to make you stay

man of little faith he said, why did you doubt?

anguish

the inner battles are coming back for a war i'm not ready to fight ):

ALOT LIKE LOVE rj's national day celebrations left me feeling abit blue, but i don't think its the real cause of the sickening feeling in my tummy.

there's a great, numbing, unignorable sense of injustice in the air tonight, and it sucks, balls. ):

let it end tonight,

TAKE ME HOME i love being able to blog and say i'm happy (: of which, i am. really really. ((:

of course i get abit down whenever i step into school, or whenever i have to do school related work or when i end up quarreling with tom dick and harry. ): but then, when the work gets done or when the stress is over or when everything's calm and settled, i'll go back being happy. at least this has been so for a few days now. i hope it lasts, but even if it doesn't, i'll appreciate and treasure this happiness whilst i have it ((:

even so, there's still like a shitload of work to do. i need to:
#1 write 2 articles and hopefully find more
#2 do tv proposal when work gets assigned
#3 come up with a list of questions for national day
#4 think of games for national day
#5 think of music (i think i'm just gna plug in my ipod la ):)
#6 find a national day taboo singapore version. GAH.
#7 study for advert
#8 study for mrm

and to think i thought i was free. told you it was all a fake. fake fake fake ):

give me 20-6 = 14 days, and it'll all be over, then i can surely and happily say, YAY ((:

bestfriend taught me a valuable, worthy lesson ytd. i didn't know she could be so wise aye. WAHAHA. she said spending time tgt is good enough. and really, that sentence stuck with me the whole day caaan. ho hum. i think recess friends needa meet up soon (:

oh ohh, i think i've been eating alot recently, but no matter. i'll diet again soon, soon. (:

i think i've found my favourite bedsheet cause i've been sleeping extraordinarily well. HAHAHH

happy, happy happy happy, happy.

all i need is shopping to complete me and send me to/into? nirvana (:

AH WELL, work awaits, and so does my spaghetti. WAHA.

and yes, i'll post pictures soon. (:

ALMOST PRETTY YAAAAYY. what a happy day! ((: i swear this is a rare, once in a pink pink pinkkkk moon post. WAHAHAA.

i think i'm a happy motivated kid when rewarded, or when reaping rewards. honestly, i don't know why, but after the mrm pop quiz, i felt like i can slog half my life away happily.

but i know its but short term, cause when i have to start crazily churning out short stories and editing them and studying for mrm and advert, i'll start hating school all over again, just like this afternoon! i sompa, all the paint was making me faint. ((:

well, tmr's D-DAY! we can we can, i prayed (:

love bestfriends, updates was gooood. reassurance when insecure is just DA BEST (:

alright, i should end, i need to contain my brimming happyness! ((:

P.S I LOVE YOU (many, many, many, many.. many. many) sometimes it's black, sometimes it's white,
sometimes she's wrong, sometimes i'm right,
sometimes we talk about it and we figure it out,
but then she'll just change her mind
sometimes she's hot, sometimes i'm cold
sometimes my head wants to explode,
but when i think about it, i'm so in love with her
every other time
yeah, every other time

(every other time)

i never knew,
i never knew that everything,
was falling through.
that everyone i knew,
was waiting on a cue,
to turn and run,
when all i needed was the truth.

but that's how it's got to be.
it's coming down to,
nothing more than apathy.
i'd rather run the other way,
than stay and see,
the smoke and who's still,
standing when it clears.

and suddenly,
i become a part of your past.
i'm becoming the part,
that don't last.
i'm losing you,
and its effortless.

without a sound,
we lose sight of the ground,
in the throw around.
never thought that you wanted,
to bring it down.
i won't let it go down,
'till we torch it ourselves.

(over my head)

it's empty
maybe we're trying
trying to hard
maybe we're torn apart
maybe the timing
is beating our hearts
we're empty

(empty)

you said you don't know me, and you don’t even care

she said i think i'm going to boston
i think i'll start a new life
i think i'll start it over
where no one knows my name
i'll get out of california
i'm tired of the weather
i think i'll get a lover
i'll fly them out to spain

i think i'll go to boston
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new town to leave this all behind
i think i need a sunrise
i'm tired of the sunset
hear it's nice in the summer
some snow would be nice

(boston)

WE'RE EMPTY i'm so tiredd. but i can't sleep. ): maybe cause i know i don't have much time till i've got to wake and head back down to tp. )): so lets keep this short and to point form eh (:
#1 kuek's gone, back to down under )):
#2 i've come to understand how fragile friendships are/can be
#3 all i'm feeling now is pseudo freedom ):
#4 i don't think i work well under pressure at all at all
#5 its either that or the people surrounding me who aren't efficient enough affect me alot more under pressure HAHA
#6 this blame game thing, is pure sucky evilness. balls.
#7 i truly cant wait till the end of the world
#8 news is the biggest pain in the ass
#9 i fear for my future, the lack of talent is made worse by the lack of drive and its all made worse by the lack of contacts and money money money
#10 i hate waking up and feeling like i desperately need more sleep in the morning
#11 it sucks when you don't know who/what's real
#12 do you think one can go through life head down?
#13 i need escape!
#14 the holidays seem pretty damn near yet pretty damn far away
#15 sometimes i just feel so ridiculously childish/stupid OH GAH
#16 toliets creepy and smelly as they are, are pretty damn good hideouts. HAHAH

where oh where, can't wait for next saturday even though i won't get to see the fireworks! (: life's picking up but just abit, can't wait for it to fly and sprout rainbows every single day. mehh.

no more making you cry, no more them gray skies
girl we're flyin on the G5 G5

LECTIO DIVINA

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


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