i've got so much anger, and even more when they only know how to escape in the form of tears.

i've had enough of doubt, and trials, and sorrow, and confusion, and loss, and pain, and injustice, and loneliness, and lies, for once, i just wish for everything that is happening to stop happening. i need another form of escape.

where art thou peace, override the doubt and everything else please. ): i can't depend on sweets forever.

the hour long of ipod full volume wasn't enough even to block out the red.

life is? sitting in front of the mirror, freezing cold, limp, lifeless, and exhausted. i don't wna go back.

HYMNE i've been on the computer for exactly 12 minutes and i've got another 18 minutes to go till 10am and omgwashhhh. this agonised feeling of waiting to play fastest fingers first is making me sick. is a dumb module enrolment supposed to so eckkk. i don't think so lahh. and to think i've got to repeat this again at 4pm. stab me. ):

dear luck, please be around.

where's our fire red?

SOLITUDE this is pain of another kind altogether. fraility, thy name is woman.

after everyone's done touching lives, i'll be the only one left with the feeling of inadequacy.

words they fail me today. but thoughts, omgwashh, don't they ever stop forming? $%(!)$%*($!

i'm looking forward to 4 hours later. at long last, dinner with the family. ((: yknow, its just that difference between dinner and lunch that matters bloody much. GAH. i feeeel like catching a movie. and i really want to but i'm feeling blooody lazy and my tummy hurts. CRAMPS ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS. DAMNIT. i'll get off my tummy after this dumb entry and try and persuade/force somebody to go do something with me. (: i shall thank god for siblings today. HAHAH (:

neways. HAPPY EASTER. happy, not so happy really. eckkk.

it has only been a few days but so manymany things have happened, i haven't quite digested everything. of holy week, the last three days were beyond overwhelming. having entered maundy thursday with a shitload of unhappy feelings although, wednesday made things a lil easier to bear, after love from the 'family' and that something else. sometimes i question my reasons for serving and honestly, i know deep down i don't deserve to be the one up there. gahh. in all context, its only easier when.. the answer's disgustingly ugly so i'll just keep it as inner wisdom and knowledge. but till i figure out how to get around, enjoying it and doing it with love. i'll try and keep to thineself. (thine aye? i think so) so yes. since maundy thursday couldn't get any worse, i'm in all immensely grateful for the little things others do. with deep appreciation, i'm glad that i managed to find strength somewhere. (: in a wait, help and a heartfelt message. gahh. the once in pink moon. thank you. because maundy thursday felt like the longest day ever, it had to in all aspect, end late too. but i'm not complaining because, the gwey chap had me going till i realised i missed my chance to eat it at all. ): i'm also never ever attending high masses alone. as if weekday masses alone aren't a great enough source for emotions overload. i'll keep my anal feelings about the way things are being run for another time.

but after going on and on, all i have to say is, even though church visitation churned out a small group, i'm grateful because one, it was easier to handle and i would think it was easier to feel and listen. all in all, i'm glad with the way things turned out.. light of the world, you stepped down into darkness. opened my eyes, let me see. beauty that made this heart adore you. hope of a life spent with you. i'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.

passion in serenity.

i shan't question alone-ness again. although sometimes, just sometimes, my feelings decide that they are smarter than the brain. like seriously lo. who am i trying to kid. whoops!

in all randomness, since i'm not done talking about the past few days, i miss the library.

back on hand. good friday was plenty better. thinking back now, its all pretty amazing. constant advice and one abrupt lashing is all one really needs, really. so because i slept at 3ishh the night before, all desire to keep vigil lost, i went for the 3pm mass on good friday. with initial dread, like omgwashh, i can't believe i was dreading service, seriously, i need to get a grip mannzz, and on this, i can't believe miss tham actually scolded me and demanded i get my priorities right. ECKK. talk about the sudden rise in meddling people. it must be a sign. dang. so yahhh. all that aside, surprisingly (i shoudn't have been lo), good friday's service was THE best out of thursday and vigil. i think it was the soberness of it all that gets poor vile sinners like me reflecting. ): so aye. how many thank yous will make thank you enough. cause it feels like it'll never be enough. buying half a meal, talking about make-up and bras and waxing, a spectacular dinner was all that was left to make good friday almost perfect.

keep in mind, that jesus christ has died for us and is risen from the dead.

ah. i'll never ever forget what it's like to receive a 'drink with me 2 nite' message when you absolutely in the pittttts. its salvation zapped through waves. fwahhh. at 18, i can only say, how could i possibly ask for more? GAHHH.

so after everything, how can something carrying such importance end on a low note? for myself, i'm grateful for the way things ended. even though saturday started off like shittt and carried on like such for a while. (wake, rush, st joseph, rush, home, rush, piano, rush, work, rush mass like OMGWASHHH STABBBS LAH) mass was good, actually, cleaning up was better. although, its somewhaaat ironic, how such joy can be found in such slavery. eckkk. (: but with IT ENDING TONIGHT. happiness was thus shortlived, and i don't know, i guess only 'UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN DOWN' resonates.

why does the one who loves you, allow you to suffer in such pain? ):

with everything so meshed up, it all simply felt like a vehhhh long time.

the word 'maundy' comes from the latin word 'mandatum' meaning commandment and christians remember jesus' famous commandment to his disciples to "love one another as i have loved you." john 15:12

'weep not for me, but rather for yourselves and for your children'

your subtleties
they strangle me
i can’t explain myself at all.
and all that wants
and all that needs
all i don’t want to need at all

the walls start breathing
my minds unweaving
maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
a weight is lifted
on this evening
i give the final blow.

when darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight
it ends tonight.

a falling star
least i fall alone.
i can’t explain what you can’t explain.
your finding things that you didn’t know
i look at you with such disdain

now i'm on my own side
it’s better than being on your side
it’s my fault when your blind
it’s better that i see it through your eyes

all these thoughts locked inside
now you’re the first to know

when darkness turns to light
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.
just a little insight will make this right
it’s too late to fight
it ends tonight,
it ends tonight.

whats at the end of it all?

somtimes the road may be lonesome, often we lose our way, but take courage and remember, love isn't just for a day.

oh, the exhaustion. along with the exhausted, and the lost, i'm going to find myself back. and my way past stranger faces.

hallelujah. aye hallelujah.

SALVE REGINA i found the switch
you turned it on
i hit the ditch
you carried on

i was so near
now you're so far
are you quite sure
just who you are?

remember me?
i used to be
your best time buddy
that you couldn't wait to see

we're gettin old
it takes its toll
and hearts getting broken
leads to people growing cold

yeah, i wonder where you've been
yeah, and i wonder who you've seen
yeah, i hope you find your dream
when you do, i really hope it's all it seems

say what's the complication
it's only conversation
i love it when you call
but you never call at all jesus meets the women of jerusalem.

above's my favourite station this lent. and yesterday was my best stations experience. i conclude that, its all about the aircon mannz! HAHAH (:

neways. i'm going for confession in a while. and as much as i hate confessions. yesterday's stations changed my mind. and i'm going enjoy it today! i pray (:

i'm aching all over and eckkk. all i want to do is go back to sleep. ):

camp was wokay. i'm immensely grateful for the hilarious moments but i couldn't seem to shake off horrible disgusting sickening emotions throughout. i can't believe its been a year.

i suppose i'm more than thankful for the wokay grades despite knowing that i should have done way waaay better. i don't know if i should make any empty promises this year. but i'll try my hardest and pray for everything to pick up just so that i can make you proud. ):

i hate the weight of the cross but i suppose, carrying it will be my only true salvation. save me from my responsibilities. if not save me from the many temptations. eckkk.

tmr's palm sunday! (: palms smell goood. ((:

reconciliation, at long last maybe. for that, i shall keep the doubts away if but for a moment.

what can i say, when i know not any other way? ):

who would grant me the ability to know what you're thinking. gahhhh.

after all the patheticccc weeping. i'm glad to know that everything's gna be aokay. 5 others, with love.

everybody's growing up. mehhh.

this is called: gut wenching.

but i just got in your way
i found a place where i can hide
now everything is changing
but i still feel the same

i tried to find myself
looking inside your eyes
you were all that i was meant to be
there must be something else

i wont let you go
i wont let you down
i wont give you up

don’t you give up on me now
what do i have to do
to try to make you see
that this is who i am
and its all that i can be

WAY OF THE CROSS i loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue

i wish there was a cookbook for life, with recipes telling us exactly what to do

(no reservations)

maybes, maybe nots. ):

you tell me that you need me
then you go and cut me down..

life's tough shit. bahhh.

i’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat
(but that's nothing new)

DISGUISED EMPTY THINGS just look into my eyes, cause the heart never lies

as life goes on, i’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
and i realize everything i do is affecting the people around me
so i want to take this time out to apologize for things that i've done
and things that haven't occurred yet
and things that they don’t want to take responsibility for

i’m sorry for the times that i left you home
i was on the road and you were alone
i’m sorry for the times that i had to go
i’m sorry for the fact that i did not know
that you were sitting home just wishing we
could go back to when it was just you and me
i’m sorry for the times i would neglect
i’m sorry for the times i disrespect

i’m sorry for the wrong things that i’ve done
i’m sorry i’m not always there for my sons
i’m sorry for the fact that i am not aware
that you can’t sleep at night when i am not there
because i'm in the streets like everyday
i'm sorry for the things that i did not say
like how you are the best thing in my world
and how i am so proud to call you my girl

(bridge)
i understand that there are some problems
and i am not too blind to know
all the pain you kept inside you
even though you might not show
if i can't apologize for being wrong
then it’s just a shame on me
i’ll be the reason for your pain
and you can put the blame on me

(chorus)
you can put the blame on me (4x)
said you can put the blame on me (3x)
you can put the blame on me

hold my hand eh ):

ABOUT YOU NOW iris: i've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. shakespeare said "journeys end in lovers meeting." what an extraordinary thought. personally, i have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but i am more than willing to believe shakespeare had. i suppose i think about love more than anyone really should. i am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. it was shakespeare who also said "love is blind". now that is something i know to be true. for some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. but then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. and then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. the one that almost kills its victims. its called unrequited love. of that i am an expert. most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. but what about the rest of us? what about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? we are the victims of the one sided affair. we are the cursed of the loved ones. we are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. the handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! yes, you are looking at one such individual. and i have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! the absolute worst years of my life! the worst christmas', the worst birthday's, new years eve's brought in by tears and valium. these years that i have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. all because i've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. oh god, just the sight of him! heart pounding! throat thickening! absolutely can't swallow! all the usual symptoms.

(the holiday)

TIRED TIRED TIRED and an underlyinggg hint of sadness. (:

AUGUST RYAN! AUGUST RYAN! (: meetings are killjoys. ):

miles: okay. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to kiss you twice... and then linger a long time on the second kiss.

(the holiday)

i swear. i'm the stupidest person alive. ):

iris: i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. and sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. and after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

(the holiday)

there's nothing a little icing can't fix! (: WOOOTS! (:

BRUTALLY BRILLIANT i hate it when technology screws up. eckk.

mass was good today. i actually paid attention to the readings and homily despite my deep desire to just nod off. yay me! (: but it could be all due to the blooody dip in temperature. cause: cold = increased awareness of surroundings = better praying and listening abilities = sleep for what. HAHAHA. analyzation aside. i like it when mass's good, it usually leads to a good week, spiritual rejuvenation and all that. which is why, i'm slightly looking forward abit more to the week ahead. onward! (:

i've decided upon what to give up next lent. this lent... its too early to say. but my desire to say the rosary nightly's not working out, at all. whooops ): so ayeaye, next lent, i'm going to give up crossing my arms at mass! hoho ((:

ah. its all too easy, forgetting the befores.

i don't know if people who willingly sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of everyone else should be considered mighty or plain dumb.

pining suckks. imagination towards the worst sucks more. gahhh. stab me ): where art thou confidence? its time to dig up chants of 'i like myself, i think i'm great, i'm awesome, yay!' who am i kidding. ((:

christopher "chris" wilton: the man who said "i'd rather be lucky than good" saw deeply into life. people are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. it's scary to think so much is out of one's control. there are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net, and for a split second, it can either go forward or fall back. with a little luck, it goes forward, and you win. or maybe it doesn't, and you lose.

(match point)

once you let go you get love

EN GARDE

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


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