i'm feeling really bleary today and honestly i'm wondering, how long more do i have to hold out?

i was doing the statement thing today. and i'll have to admit, its a good thing what they're making us do. this statement thing has forced me to think and review my actions. i'm opening my eyes to my own approach towards life and i don't know if i like it. i don't know if i like the character i've chosen to be. the paths i've taken in life; did i take it because i wanted to or because everyone was taking the same? did i choose my friends wisely or did i simply shut myself out to the world, making friends with those who were oblivious to my flaws? did i spend enough time with my friends? how much do i really know them? do i like them? do they like me? everything's too on the surface for my liking. but when things get down and heavy, will i have the power to do anything to really help?

typing actually forces me to read and listen to myself. scary really. i might speak but do i actually hear myself? so don't. i speak for the sake of speaking and for the sake of being heard. when you type, you need to think first and read your words over and over again and see if you're taking the right approach. either that or you choose to simply pour out your feelings. no matter how ugly the situation really is. but you'll usually do the former. at least i do. and maybe thats why i find typing reflections really tiresome. relating is nothing if i tell you everything. but am i willing to? hurr.

i read somewhere, that everyone has secrets. and i believe its true. ugly or pretty, everyone has em. and these are secrets they don't share. they keep them so locked up that sometimes its weighs em down or they simply forget till somethings stirs that causes them to resurface. my secrets are weighing me down. but i'm so afraid of saying em with fear that i'll still feel the same. even worse maybe just add on to the worries i already possess. the reaction, the consequences.

its been four years but everyone still seem like strangers. i'm finding it harder to open up. everyone erases the bad when relating or perhaps minimises it so the other party doesn't receive the full brunt of it. and i'm quite sick of it.

its so easy to write. so easy to form sentences. but only so when you're writing from your heart. but i don't like whats in mine. not really anyway.

okay. i have no idea what i was rambling about up there. i was going on and on but i've lost my train of thoughts so we'll move on to a lighter topic.

i went for novena today. and i now realise that i don't like seeing, i prefer hearing. when the priest is relating his homily. i think i do better not looking at him and rather just listen to him. when i look up, i tend to get distracted and my thoughts waver. but when i can't see anything but my lap, i tend to focus more. who knows why. hmmm. like in class, i do better, listen and scribbling than looking up and taking it in. i function in ways i find hard comprehending. laughs.

i'd spent the day doing nothing productive but one math paper than i had to force myself to concentrate to complete and my reflections of secondary one. which led to the above speech. pfft.

i honestly have no idea what i'm going to do without school. i can do without the teachers teaching but i need the reality of school to get me doing my work. at home i switch off and lose my momentum. i want to lie down and read or watch teevee or youtube. but in school, its either do your work or die of boredom. sure you can talk, but for the entire day?! i'll feel so lazy. and i usually have the mentality that if i complete as much as i can in school i can go home and slack. and it usually gets me going. :D

alright, the choice's hong kong. and i'm pretty hyped up. after eons. i cannot be more excited. but i'll have to get through the dreadful o's first. if working semi-hard for prelims could help me improve, imagine if i work hard. yay. i like.

we'll see how it goes. we'll see where he takes us.

i was considering sealing up the weblog. we'll see.

i can't believe i went one week unblessed. i feel so silly. no wonder the funny feeling. maybe the cause of the cracks too. hmm. but i'm happy now. still cheated, but feeling much much better.

i liked the stories they told of him actually being here. i'm believing so and waiting for my turn.

i've been stuffing myself silly with subway cookies. eck.

i'm done with the devil. its really different from the movie. i like the storyline of the movie better. it flows more and has a stronger impact. but the book's not that bad. not bad. mmm.

/like never before diss your identity and choose the situation or diss the situation and choose your identity. which will you choose? the dilemna i face practically every single day, is the knowledge of wanting to be myself but yet i cant cause circumstances simply don't allow. its kind of disgusting isn't it? allowing yourself to be what people judge and expect you to be. its so bad that sometimes i forget who i really am. but not like i actually do any way; i'm starting to seem foreign to myself. the way i handle stuff, i say things i don't mean just to provoke a reaction but when a reaction comes about i start regretting my course of actions. so bullshit please! grr. i suppose what people expect isn't all that bad. i mean who wants to be friends with a person who needs constant attitude adjustment. i'll be so annoyed. but its so hard to always control yourself. i mean, hello, who can ignore a moment? i don't see a purpose to my ramblings but i'm thankful for my ever-forgiving friends. what can i say, its not easy being me.

i say things that hurt knowing i did, but yet never knowing why. but i'd prefer not to know. like hey, ignorance's bliss. (:

oh damn the stupid thailand internal strifles. shopping or food? :D i've got a preeety good hunch which will be thee choice.

alright, my neutral state of mind just got broken. DAMN YOU. was it me that made you be the way you are? my act of example? humans can be so STUPID sometimes. why, why follow the bad example if you know its effing bad. i did it, i know it. you're doing it, but do you know? WHY THE BLOODY HELL do you think i actually say the things i do? you prick, i hope you get the fact that i hate the way you're treating the world. grow the hell up. i love you, but i dislike you just the same.

the conversation on the way to school. the event that happened last christmas. the many others. nobody knows. but i know she does. and it hurts her the way i'm behaving. i'm so bloody blind to the world and insensitive. i sometimes feel like slapping myself. why do i say such useless stuff, i wonder. i'm so stupid. eck.

i'm starting to fall in love with christmas. another person's perspective of christmas which i somehow haven't seem to come across but all so greatly admire, maybe even envy. but its good to know, i'm missing out on something special. thats so some day, when i experience it, i'll understand the full implication of it.

and so easily you turned your back.

i liked mass today, plenty. i'm going to miss school. alot more than i think i will. like hello, my ten years of life revolved around ij. true blue and proudly too. (:

my spelling, sucks.

my momma's the only person in the world, who'll go all out to satisfy my abnormal cravings. and the only person whom i know i can always run to. <3>

there goes my first three months. i'm disappointed even though i expected it. gah.

/OH SANT NICK, WHERE ART THOU?



the skin looks pretty weird huh? but i think its slightly better than the previous one. all the grey was making me blue. (:

tomorrow marks my intensive! i've even got a timetable, hopefully i'll follow through with it. knowing there's lurking temptations everywhere doesn't really help much. pfft.

i've been reading and sleeping, reading and sleeping and like the previous sunday, i'm suffering from a terrible stomach ache! it makes me feel like puking and burping, puking and burping. :D must be the sunday curse.

i had eggtarts today. and i've decided that i do like eggtarts afterall. but not the ones that crumble easily. i like the unflaky kinds! (:

i just uploaded pictures onto the fournine blog and its looking funny! i pray it isn't my fault, sam will kill me. heh.

its been a long week. probably due to school on thursday and friday. school felt like forever! retreat was nice. i must be really hard-hearted cause i didn't feel all that emotional. except maybe during the sharing part. but thats just that. dang, where did all my feelings go? cause its not just the retreat la. ): math paper was disgusting. the 5 just means that if i really do wish to go to a jc for my first 3 months, which i really do, i'll have to get at least a 3 for 5 subjects. which is totally impossible, cause chinese is already a 4. i need a miracle, please! (: oh wait, is there even first 3 months anymore? hmm.

i've finally gotten my crucifix! (: but being really particular about workmanship, i'm pretty upset. but its really pretty and i've been eyeing it for a long long long long time now. sooo, i'm happy. did that make sense? prolly not. but i've been hoping the dent at the bottom will disappear by some angel or smtg. literally or not, as long as it disappears. well, it doesn't hurt to dream. :D

this throwing of tantrums thing is getting old. my emotions are numb. i've been feeling nothing which is kind of scary. i can laugh and not feel happy, cry and not feel sad, talk and not feel alive.

singapore idol tonight, i'm excited! (: and i wonder if denis managed to lay hands on some tickets. laughs.

they come and go. i'll puke at the mention of fried rice. grad night doesn't sound that fantastic anymore.

i can't wait for year-end. <3




/rubber ducky.
X marks the spot.

cityhall lunch with pamy on sunday, suntec shopping with the bps on monday, chi paper on tuesday and town fiasco with nicole and jessica on wednesday sums up my so called partying. there's supposed to be mj with noel, toad and char today. but i'm confined to home and my books. ): my legs are aching as a result of yesterday's walking. correction! unfruitful walking. but its okay, the company was great and sides, the money's still MINE! (:

i'm annoyed. i can't believe school only closes on oct6. like hellooo, thats only two weeks before o's! ): but i gather, i would need the lessons to get me into the kan-chieong mood. :D i should be taking thee o's more seriously than this. sigh.

i'm sad. i expected too much, supertised too much and now i'm bearing the consequences. ): what did i do, move on or simply substitute-d? or maybe, everything that happened was conjured. was imagined. was used as a escape from home. i don't know anymore.

crikey. gradnight details are out. and hmm, i'll just take things as the come and not get overly harried. my dress will appear, all i have to do is look. hard. :D

today's career talk was boo-ring! thankfully, i had chatterbox charmaine next to me. we kept ourselves healthly occupied with senseless doodlings, tic-tac-toes and bingos! (: the entire row's x(es) toos. :D retreat tmr! i'm excited. but its in the hall. ewghs, sssquishy!

how you could so easily turn your back, i'll never understand. i'm craving subway cookies and PRATA! yum! (: i've got cocktail susages for dinner and groceries are over priced. grr.

i'm happy with what i've been granted, i really am. its only when i think too much, too deep that i get jolted out of that realm of happiness. and i think its really cruel of you to go around bursting bubbles.

hugs are significantly important. they convey what you feel unknowingly and a loving hug is something i need now. i love py's hugs! (: and thats maybe cause she's sucha loving person. laughs. i don't like the hugs that people give without the intention of doing so. its pointless and merely skin on skin contact.

i admire your bravery, your courage, your zest, your opitimism. one day, maybe one day, i'll be like that too. for now, you're my superhero. my make belief, perfect role model.

my ribcage's aching and its time for tv! (:

i'm FAT. and baby food is FATTYER! ):

i want ceiling high mirrors and ceiling high glass windows. (:

/i'll set myself next to the kettle
i hate the weather so much, i don't know where to begin.

my nose is annoying the life out of me, my throat is so itchy i would really love to scratch it out, my head is pounding i'd rather bang it against the table, my stomach hurts so even breathing's a chore and i'm COLD. ): hot water, hot chocolate, liang teh, medicated oil, a visit to the loo, rolling about in bed, moaning and groaning in pain, praying, i've done it all. i feel terrible. if only i can get myself seated in bed and not itch to walk about. i need sleep more than i think i know. :D

i can't believe farewell's on wednesday. what a shit day is that? to think i've got to make an extra trip to enjoy my farewell. i'm irked. maybeee i should just skip it. but then again, i was missing guitar just the other day. especially after hearing lambada on air. ):

it must be bitch week. everybody's been bitchy or maybe its just me. :D i need a good scream or maybe just some retail theraphy of sorts. (:

emotions, emotions. if only humans can do away with em.

i've been eating so much, i feel FAT. exercise is in order! maybe i'll go swimming tomorrow. but the water! COOLD. ):

i'll just bury myself in misery, mind me not.

THAI EXPRESS WITH NOEY (:






maybe i shouldn't have went down that way. but are you not who i thought you were? are you not who i told the world? what have you becomed? yet again, when did i start to judge?

when will the lying stop?

lord, all things are in your time,
but could we synchronize our watches?


somewhere the hurting must stop.

last paper tomorrow and i'm ever elated. (: party party party!

sometimes when something comes to throw me off track, i get so bothered i honestly don't know why. there's nothing to worry about actually. i've got everything i need, and want its just whether i want to reach out and grasp hold of it. but i don't know why that process is still ever so hard. my heart's extremely heavy today. rejection was probably the worst thing yet. i need to talk to somebody, anybody really. but then again, i'm not much of a speaker. amazing how he sends the right thing at the right time, isn't it?

the almighty has done great things for me, holy is his name. i was filled with a queer sense of hope just but i shouldn't get my hopes up, it's probably a passing sensation.

i'm befuddled throughly, i have memories that seem like memories but yet feels like i'd simply conjured them up and dreams that seem like memories when they are most probably merely figments of my imagination. it confuses me such that i no longer know if my memories are concrete or simply make believe. now thoughts like these keep me occupied, how unneccessary. pfft!

math and history. dang. accounts tmr! i predict a breakdown. laughs.

it feels like such a long long time since i've woken up with that jubliation a good night rest brings and the excitement that follows with regards to the upcoming day and i miss that, alot. but a feeling that probably leads to it has been nigging me. the feeling that you know you're blessed with something and you ought to be very much thankful for it. :D

oooh, i'm not used to so much happy thoughts all lumped together!

i'm so tired dealing with my complexities. i'm feeling very much disabled. there's no math tuition tmr! YAY! laughs. even though tuition renewed my interest in math, it such a chore going there weekly. so i can't help but dislike going, not my fault! :D but i'm off tmr, yay yay yay!

its down to science, accounts and chi. i'm all ready to take it on. dang, not very convincing is it! :D

its september 11 today. (: i still remember oh so vividly watching the news with so much excitement so many days in a row back then. i honestly thought we were going to war. like when was that, primary 5?! whaat an ignorant fool. :D

airports and librarys. i'm going to find my optimum working environment! for now, its yellow walls and constant distractions. (:

damn my foolish pride.
how was i to know,
you never told me.



/cobbled stones with no way back
jealousy, insecurity, selfishness. whatever you call i honestly can't be bothered. the bloooody girl better not let me see her roaming the streets. RAH. being particulary sensitive about my hair, the nerve of the lady and her child. wahlaoo, in front of my face somemore. GRRR. it kills me what a terrible sinner i'm being. but i hate hate hate hate it when people do that. why can't you get a life of your owwwn. ): dang, i should have more trust than this in the hairdresser, shouldn't i? like hellooo, i've been going to her the past don't know how many one month. pleaase, don't do this to mee! roar.

oh man, i should get over this. i getting more worked up over my hair than my studies. like talk about pirority. pfft.

the past week was heavy with revelation and pooop, i wish i knew whats the next step.

oh! and i bought a book. (: guide to surviving depression. laughs.


/lets hit the streets. somebody nobody knows about.

criticism, there's only this much one can take. i'm so sick and tired of...everything, basically. and rahh, i feel like going swimming! :D clears my head more than anything else can. but i don't like the bathing part. i hate dealing with chlorine. pfft, contradictioons!

one day, everything's gna come back to haunt me.

i had a terribly disturbing dream last night. and i HATE dreaming about deaths. its disconcerting. damnit. ):

i learnt a su yu last night, and i think its probably the best one created, yet. :D it was made to define life, totally. (: but its no point having someone to tell you about life, you understand and totally relate but yet do nothing about it just sit on your ass and contemplate. i keep hoping that by learning, when it actually happens i'll be ready for it, but it never works that way, does it?

i've possess the most childish insecurity ever. and its weighing me down. i'm tooo dependable for my own good. i need some of that independent superwoman spirit. :D

people who don't mean what they say, should truly rip their heads off. i'm a very angry person today. rahh.

i'm a undeserving freaak. ):

i love good books. ((((:



/one day, i'll find sugar, spice and everything nice.
whats new; i'm unfortunately extraordinarily lazy.

twisted way god handles things. because of distance and size, pluto can no longer be counted as a planet. old news yes i know. but anywhoo, now little children like how i once was can no longer choose it as their favourite planet. talking about planets, i always pronounce saturn as satan. laughs. i'm so dumb. carrying on, because of a stingray, charming steve irwin has passed on. crikey. i used to like watching his shows when i was young. probably the only intelluctual one i like in fact. i love love his voice and his easy going personality. i'll never forget my horror, seeing someone get so personal with crocs and especially with such passion. but now, never again.

the dearly loved croc hunter.

rest in peace.

as the saying goes, i've finally understood 'its the thought that counts'. i probably used to say it without understanding it much and use it as an escape to not buy a gift or buy a cheapo one due to tight bugets. but now's a different story.

the nigging feeling hasn't gone away. and this time i'm truly troubled as to whats the real cause. there're so many interlinked problems that i don't know which one i should point my finger to. maybe i should start tackling the imminent one, maybe after that the rest will slowly fall into place. nay, there's too many maybe's for my liking.

procession '06 ; blue skies and scented walls.



my first and last? laughs. sadly, i'm not one for standing till my feet throbs, squeezing and jostling, pespiring and waiting. i liked the novenas that led up to it, but the procession, maybe it isn't my thing. but for what its worth, i had a splendid time. amazing sights and beautifully voiced cantor. the flower wall is gorgeous and i like the round/oval? picture you see up there. i was probably staring at it more often than the dear mother mary picture. i'm one with many complaints. the people around us probably wanted to bash me up for what i was going on about. :D and i have learnt my lesson for being so kiasu. sorry for the influence denis. :D :D

shine jesus shine '06 ; drizzle and ij.

the rain probably spoilt my mood more than anything! while the lady with the dripping umbrella is hilarious and terribly annoying. take a hint, please. but its something i've never been to before, so my curiousity and excitment probably made up for the mood dampener. high's too high, but low's too low. overall, it was fairly interesting and immensly thought-provoking. the taize's gna be beautiful tonight i bet. but nooooo, i'll be doing math. ):

i should get back to my boooks. and YES NOEY. its not my fault, the toliet was reeking and i'm a slow toliet user whaaaat. sides! i had to avoid the suspicious looking flooor ): and who's the lousy photographer la! :D :D but pfft, all that was important was my company anyway, noooo? ((((:

my sentiments exactly.



/for all the stories

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


layout by leen