even after making you repeat those reassuring words, i know they mean nothing cause you never really meant it. nobody means anything they say anymore, and as a result, being a typical cynic, i've come to believe that nobody's worth trusting anymore. perhaps its finally time to open my stamp closed eyes and see that the roads' mine to walk alone.

FUCK, you can't please everybody. its time i grew up. ):

i've been off. and i cannot be more spot on, its the time of the month. its probably unfair i blame my angst and hatred towards the world in general on that granted course but i can't help it. its either i push the blame somewhere or i push it upon myself. which is an alternative, i'd taken that left me hollow beyond compare. i've been feeling horrid and possibly because i've finally come to realise what a freaking asshole i am. its time for a much needed confession. though they never really make me feel better at least its a measure i could try and take. it might just bring an odd sort of comfort, that i so desperately need.

sure, i get the teasing and all. cause i know deep down things are all happy and gay. but when that look crosses your face and you express it through your words no matter how hard you try hide it, thats when the doubts start trickling in.

i'm an insecure dit, that questions everything and probably reserves my doubts for any living thing. but i don't know anymore, who i can count on. so damn it, either show something to me or leave me alone. stop lying, especailly right straight to my face.

an amusing conversation took place over lunch on sunday. and i concluded that shamless is the way to go. cause its probably the only way you can protect yourself from forms of hurt. but whats it with the conscience! OH POOP. i can't handle this.

i'm trodding on. despite the obstacles you've shoved in my face and demand i give it my attention. as i'm not wholly for it, i'm gna ignore it and perhaps simply let it take its toll. for now, its just me and the books.

merryment, what blasphemy.

i know the kindness he'd shown, i know of the friends he'd given. but i don't know if i can accept it. i don't know if i'm worth it. and i don't know if i'll mess it up. knowing me, i probably will. maybe thats why i can't handle it.

THANK YOU, i never knew quarrantine could be that much fun. (:




/not all that good i'm a pessimist. ):

oh bobdog! whats new. you're always embarrasing yourself in front of me. can't help it if i make you lose control. :D :D

the prelims are ROLLING! english's up first and damn, i'm so afraid i'll forget everything come friday. all the pretty words, the formats and everything. ): now see! THIS is what happens when you aren't prepared. i should have listen to my mommy. now all you fools out there, listen to me and start early. ewghs.

PURE STUPIDDITY! its still ringing in my head.

so well, this is it. the last official day at ij. after 3 traumatic but fantabulous years in kindergaten i entered primary school with dread and repulsion. they were horrid years but yet childishly enjoyable. i was a freak in primary school, that i had to admit. i was practically a walking tyrant! ewghs. then came secondary school and well, apprehension probably sums up entering. but thankfully everything turned out to be pretty, okay. well fine, maybe more than okay. i went to THE best secondary one class. :D and enjoyed two years of fun, joy and laughter. it was like a whole new world. uh huh uh huh. got promoted albeit insecurely into secondary three and hey, it was total uh uh at first. what can i say, i don't do well with changes. but come secondary four and after all the experiences four nine shared together. i think i like us way better than when we just started out. although, times still come when the strong gust of unfamiliarity still hails. its like there, yet not there. superficial! ah yes, thats the word. maybe as i grow up, i hope more, live in denial more and end up falling more. its three more months till goodbyes forever, we'll see who stays on then. i praying for more than that. hopefully, what i thought we had wasn't just a thought but truly a fact. and here is when insecurity comes knocking and i, start questioning.

i wanted to make today a good day. but i had to let my tantrums come ruin it all. i hate myself.

when i come about accepting imperfections, it'll be then i start living life.

press delete and then i'll know i'm finally, completely and throughly over it.

god please let me keep them.

i'm challenged by a handwriting crisis.

the importance of thank yous seem to dig at me more than the importance of please. but why should it?





/burdens or blessings?
giggling to me seems to be something only the carefree can do. some may think its annoying. but in all honesty, not everyone can giggle. i think its a talent. if you can't do it and yet try to, you only come across as trying too hard and sooo acting cute. right-o, this is so random! poop.

its the examination cum graduation mass later in the day. 3 is such a odd time btw. :D and i'm wholly excited! wednesday will be marking my end to official eduction in secondary school. there will be extra classes to follow and exams to carry through with. but other than that! this is it. i'm gna miss ij. wails. oh poof, this is way to early for words of such. we'll postpone this.

i've been emotionally unstable. often tempting myself with thoughts of banging my heads against the wall. oh i'm such a loser! i can't handle stress, AT ALL. i've got it too good. i've gotta learn to make myself strong. oh yes, oh yes. (: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. words, and many more. it shall be my chant till i get myself together.

I'VE FOUND MY IDEAL ROSARY! YAAAAY! i cannot be any happier. i love love love rosaries. and i love MY rosary. :D :D :D i've got plenty of rosaries and thats also partly because i like to steal my brothers'. since they don't use it, it doesn't hurt anyone to help myself! right? anywhoo, i'm over the planets! i'll describe it, if i didn't suck in description. but its selling everywhere now. so i'm sure you've seen it. SO, whatever! now i'm on a hunt, for my crucifix. i'm gna get a st. benedict's one and a hand rosary, which is gna be the imperial flower bead looking one. (((: and because i'm such a picky person, it'll probably be a long time till i find one. but time, i have plenty! at least, i like to delude myself into believing so.

and because my whole purpose of blogging, was to mark my discovery of my ideal rosary i should get back to studying. IT'S THE PRELIMS BABY! there goes jc for the first three months. and i know i deserve to regret 'cause i asked for it. raaah.

yes i know, things arent the same, but i'm tired of letting you get me down.

'dont turn away' was all that i got from the novena and i'm not even sure if i heard it correctly. but the issue of turning away has been bothering me and perhaps the solution to it all, is simply to not. oh yes, i make it sound so easy. laughs. the importance of the eucharist was taught today, and i know i learned something because i felt him in my heart and i'm so very pleased to announce that i'm oh-so-close to finding the answer i've been seeking and for all i know, maybe just maybe i've already found it.

my imagined heaven other than the cloud house, cloud tree and cloud swings. is now plus plus rows and rows and rows of grand pianos lined up with pianist-es playing the same tunes. :D :D everything's gna be WHITE. uh huh uh huh. its gna be all so spectaculatar!

i guess i really don't understand. and now i don't know if i want to anymore.

west america, europe, dubai. we'll see. maybe the land of miracles. oooo, the blood shedding maddona!

ORAL SUCKED! i hate myself. ):

the path you led me to, lead me through.




/dust to dust and ashes to ashes. different passwords symbolising different state of mind and events that took place within that period of time have been boggled. thank goodness, my email remains the same retarded one. laughs.

when i come to a resolution, it'll be good to try keep it. but it gets hard after a while, when the novelty wears off and it becomes a thing of mental determination.

maybe i shouldn't have gotten myself into that fix. if i kept to myself, maybe i wouldn't be as insecure now. but i had good times, just equally confusing and self-berating ones. if i took the chance when it came, perhaps things would have been different. or maybe it was the stupid confirmation name i'd chosen that obstructed my fengshui. :D but thats bullshit, i mean, its a holy name!

i should start learning how to piroritize. taking the initiative can be adventurous, but its also when you take the initiative that you start getting taken advantage of.

oh shucks, i'm craving prata. i cannot emphasis on how much i dislike japanese cuisine now. maybe its the cycle, with the cycle comes different cravings for different cuisines or maybe it was just the bad one-off experience.

I HATE THE CHINESE RESULTS. maybe retaking isn't as easy as i sought it out to be. what if i do worser? i'll so hate myself. but what if this is my standard? i feel so dumb! wails. i don't wna do badly! i wna go to a good schooool. i wna go up to that horrid table where the results are given out and let out a scream of joy and perhaps have tears stream down my face. but what if i can't do itttttt. ): you see the argument that constantly goes on in my head? its a wonder why i face this dilemna. when all i have to do is study harder. oh yes, my lazy self still takes control. smug-o-shit. poooop!

it'll be a better weeek, i pray. heigh ho, its a month of reunion. oh yes oh yes. (:

i dislike my current shrilly house ringtone. why can't we have the sound of squawking birds or moo-ing cow? it'll make me much more enthusiastic about picking up. its like make-believe zoo! oooo. (:

i've decided, to let you stupid burdens go. yes, take this opportunity to run free. goooo. far far away. i'll ban you from my mind and embrace my books and bed instead. i'll try.

the who is stronger conversation held during the bus ride home got me thinking. and i still strongly believe that the heart is strongest. even though for that moment i was slightly swayed. like, mind? HELLO. no! but my resolution was made due to the reasoning of, who resides in your heart? mmm, i felt enlightened at that moment of revelation. heh.

see how, lesser miracles happen over time. compared to the ancient times when miracles and appearances seem like daily occurances. so sad la.

I'M SO DEPRESSED i'm missed the fireworks. the man at the train station was so funny! his sudden intrusion was timely. (: i like meeting nice singaporeans! but being the not-nice singaporean me, i didn't say thank you. whooopsy. anywho. i think i should have went. i'm the world's most indecisive person. i can decide upon a matter for weeks. yes yes, thats me. hurr.

alrights. its bedtime. i know its only 9 but hey, the early bird catches the worm. they didn't have the saying for nothing, you know?

i need a bedtime story. (:




/red against the black.
our paths never meant to cross so i expected nothing more.

i should have soaked in the moment when the chance was served to me. now, we're like distant friends with an unspeakable bond that i fear one day, may just break. especially, when we don't voice how we really feel or risk some time out for together-ness. poop.

yesterday was fun fun fun! (: MASS WAS AMAZING. the atmosphere! our montonous practices, last minute memorising, singing loudly-ey and off-key-ey paid off. (: the tunes buzzed even hours after. and i guess, the national day theme this year is pretty nice. at least, its gna be my favourite national day theme for now. laughs. i'm going to forever and ever remember national day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE.

i love being patriotic, i guess the brainwashing since young contributed plenty.

i'm starting to get used to the notion of doing things alone, we'll take things step-by-step.

shopping yesterday was ACHES. (I HATE CHINATOWN! GRR.) the gloomy weather today is killing my mood to continue from yesterday. though, yesterday burnt quite a big hole in my pocket. poop. i'm still not contented! laughs. but i did a satisfying two hours of trigo at night, so i feel gooood. (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI! (just want to wish you again :D)
i'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself yesterday. but you like your candle surprise, yes? <3

i hate the new specs and i've contracted the stupid flu bug. ):




/point a to z AWAY ON VACATION.

my goal from today onwards is to,
(a) study hard
(b) laugh as often as i can, at useless stuff even
(c) control my annoying temper
(d) practice for my wistful debut during weekday masses.
and (e) which is also the most important point, blind myself with jdramas and the likes.
I'M SO EXCITED.

oh yes, a girl can dream. :D i predict myself skipping all and going straight to (e). some things never change.

i'm very much unlike myself, but i gather i'll be fine after a few 'pick-me ups'. seeing ms sin on tuesday was spirit-lifting. till october! get well get well soon. her form now is dreadfully worrying.

OH! (f) try and go for guitar and enlighten those blur juniors of mine with my equally lousy skills.

next tuesday, oh yes. its the big day. i'm already looking forward to it. yes yes, positive all the way.

sure, just don't say hello. grrr.

i'll try and make you my past, so long, even if it kills me. i'm starting to believe whatever she said might have been true after all. and yes, mothers, they never lie. we just never realise. oh poop. i'll just leave it to the big man.

my memory loss is fustrating me. no, don't think you're anymore grown up. your childish behavior irks me. just leave your stupid nose out of things that aren't what you see them to be. get a LIFE, kid.

the praise thing at indoor stadium, mm, maybe. there's my all-time favourite anyway.

who controls you. your mind, your heart, your conscience, your soul? i'd like to know. i'm gna start compling my list of questions to ask god when i reach the gates. i get to ask even if i don't get it, right?! oh, people with stoned looks scare me. geck.

its quite fun, talking in a high-pitched voice thinking you own the world. although, it kind of sucks when you're the one with a throbbing headache and long weary day enduring.

PRATA, ooh, craving. a long winding drive up to genting is something i could use.




/imagine, believe, reality

K: kuek
M: moose!
N: nicole
P: peiying
R: rebecca


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